It’s okay...

Something came up recently that caught me off guard. I was shocked and I didn’t know how to respond. Suddenly, all the anxiety, worries and regrets came rushing back to me - that thing that I was fearing might actually happen! Something inside me was triggered. My eyes turned red then started welling up. The tears I’ve been holding back for months suddenly burst and came running down my cheeks. I did not know how to respond or to pick up all the pieces of me that are now figuratively shattered right before me. I felt so hurt and vulnerable.  

As weird as it may sound, until that moment, I did not know how to feel and deal with that much hurt or pain anymore. The last time I felt like this, I promised myself that I would not go through these things anymore and that I would do all means to stay away from anything like this. The last time I took a risk, it didn't end well. That is why I avoided any situation that might put me in a position of getting hurt, with having to deal with the pain, and then starting all over again. It’s much too costly and I didn’t want to see myself crying all alone and dealing with all the pain again. I didn’t want to go back to those dark and scary times that felt like there was not even a single ray of hope in sight.

For a couple of days, I allowed myself to vent out and cry. I thought that it might help me since the last time I've dealt with pain, I suppressed my emotions and that took its toll on me. I started to stay away and drift from people, I stopped doing the things that I loved, and I started to not deal with any emotions or situations that might make me vulnerable again. And because of that, it took me years before I was finally able to say that I was ready to move forward. I know that I’m still blessed despite what recently happened and that there are a lot more people dealing with much greater pain than I am. But pain is pain. I think it's good to acknowledge that people from different walks of life experience varying degrees of hurt or pain. But that doesn't mean that one's pain is invalid just because someone else's is far worse. Getting hurt no matter the degree is not something that any of us would want to experience. And for some like me, there are days when your anxieties, doubts and worst fears are getting the better of you. But it's okay... It's okay.

During this time of dealing with pain, I realized some things that helped me pull myself through. One is the importance of recognizing the pain and where it’s coming from. Acknowledging the pain really helped me a lot because I allowed myself to know that my pain is valid. I understood more why I was hurt and what was triggering it. Sometimes we are our worst enemy and we pressure ourselves into thinking that what we're feeling is nothing or we pretend that it's not even there in the first place. But knowing that what I was feeling is actually there and that it is valid no matter how small it may seem to other people really helped a lot. Sometimes it's also easy for people to judge other’s miseries and pain but if someone needs all the time in the world to deal with it then I think that person should have it. It's because you can never fully understand someone’s pain but you can always be there for the person or you can give them the space they need if they ask for it. Asking for time and space doesn't mean that you don't deal with pain. You actually are. It's that time when you allow yourself to acknowledge that the hurt or pain is there so that you can eventually deal with it. You give yourself the necessary time to vent out and to let it all out until such a time when you're ready to deal with it, and then to eventually bounce back to face the world once again. If you see someone who’s in pain, don’t tell them that they should "just move on" as if it’s like a switch that they can just turn on and off any time they want to. You give the person the time and space he needs to move on and to eventually move forward. You let the person heal. 

And to everyone who’s dealing with hurt, anxiety and fear during this time, here’s a reminder that it’s okay to not be okay. We alway have that lingering fear and shame when other people see us during our weakest and most vulnerable state. But that shouldn't be the case. It took me time to realize that I should not be too hard on myself and to feel the need to always appear strong to people all the time. That it’s okay to fall down and get hurt because that’s part of being human. It’s part of growing, dealing with pain, moving on and eventually moving forward. It took me time to realize too that I should face my problems, and to not just hide away and shut all my emotions out as if nothing happened. And by that I mean that it’s okay if you need time off. That it’s okay to stay in bed and cry if you need to. That it’s okay to wallow, sulk and cry it all out. Because one day that pain will all be gone. That someday you will feel much better and much more alive than before. That someday you will have a much better and brighter disposition. That someday you will have a future like you’ve never imagined. A future that is far better than what you left behind. The pain won’t be gone overnight but keep going... You are far stronger and better than you actually think you are. Eventually, everything is going to be okay. But for now, cry it all out. Take all the time you need to allow yourself to heal. If you need time to vent and rest then go ahead and do so. Sometimes you just have to let it all out. To take care of yourself because people won’t always do that for you. Take your time, take a rest, take a nap, eat that ice cream or stay in bed. It takes all the more strength to acknowledge the pain and to let it all go. Who knows, your healing might just be around the corner - when you're ready to jump out of bed and face the world again. 

Eventually, a new morning will rise and new opportunities will come your way. New beginnings are not far behind you, it's right before you. You are not hopeless. You will eventually get there. For now, take all the time you need. Take your own pace. Slow down if you need to but keep going. Take time to breathe. Rest if you have to but keep going. Sometimes you just have to slow down to let yourself heal so that in time, you can move forward once again. But for now, it's okay to not be okay.

It’s okay because someday you will eventually be okay.

There will come a time when you won’t have to feel even a single ounce of the pain that you are feeling right now.

Because you will be better. You will.

Take heart because you will get eventually get there.

This is just temporary. It will get better someday.

Someday.

For now, it’s okay…

it’s okay…

It’s gonna be okay.